Look at Me! Look at Me!

Last week I took the kids to Chick Fil-A for lunch and they were playing in the play area afterwards. It was the day that school was out, so lots of bigger kids were there terrorizing my small, timid children. So I was already annoyed by that, Psalter had been told to go away and I had to go up and pull her foot out of the netting at the very top level, meanwhile she's screaming her head off and the child that told her to go away was screaming thinking she was going to get into trouble and it was her fault. I think some of you get the picture.

I was ready to leave, but Eliza was having fun climbing, probably on all the areas she wasn't supposed to climb-oh well. This other bigger girl (second/third grade maybe) was balancing on the top of the opening structure right around where I was keeping track of Jacob. She kept saying, "Look at me! Look what I can do! Look at me!...." I ignored her at first hoping she would stop talking to me. Then when I realized she wouldn't I acknowledged her, "yes, you are balancing, good job!" I wanted to say, "Don't fall on one of my kids and stop asking me to look at you!" I know, I sound terrible, don't I? I was just so annoyed by her constant badgering for attention. I even had a "Phew" moment thinking, "I'm so glad my children aren't that needy for attention! Blah...blah...blah..."

Then the Spirit struck me, "That's you and pretty much everyone you know, including your children!" I realized that we all do the annoying, "Look at me, look at me!!" This girl could have come from a perfectly healthy home, just like my kids. But we all have the same longing, "look at me, notice me." It just plays out differently for all of us. For me it's, "notice me", not that I dress outlandishly or act obnoxious for attention. I mostly want to be noticed that I fit in, I'm acceptable. I'm more quiet about it and try to cover up the fact that I have this longing by appearing that I have it all together.

All of our insecurities that we obsess over: being in style, being in shape, having the nicest house or car, our kids dressing a certain way, etc. all of these come from the deep longing of simply wanting to be accepted. Our deepest longing is to be accepted for who we REALLY are. Some of us, me included, don't know who we REALLY are because we've assimilated into people we are not just to be accepted or prove ourselves worthy of acceptance. God has been working this out in me and helping me to see who I truly am and giving me the ability to accept myself as "Fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139) I still, however, cry out like this little girl. "I'm sorry, BTW, little girl for getting annoyed with you because you have really depicted my heart and my true longings. I will not easily forget you."