I'm deviating from my previous topic to have a "mommy moment." I had a 40 minute conversation with my 8 year old that every mom dreads. No, not the "birds and the bees" convo, much worse. It started by her saying she wanted to switch schools. What???? I've never heard her say anything bad about her school in the four years she's been there. So I dug deeper and asked her a lot of questions.
She told me about how she got teased today. Some girls in her class took a book of hers that she took to lunch to read in the cafeteria. She asked for it back and they continued to pass it back and forth to each other until she started to walk towards the teacher. My first reaction was to go to school and punch those little girls for hurting my daughter's feelings. Apparently this is not the first time this has happened, which made me feel worse. Uggghhh! Why are kids so mean?
So what to do as a mom to help her child work through this? The answer is not to pull her out of the school, but how do I help her deal with this life lesson? I started by saying the usual, "the people who tease are usually insecure and want to feel better about themselves, so they try to make someone else look stupid." and "they could be jealous of you." Then I went on to tell her that without a doubt, she can always remember that first off her heavenly Father and her mom and dad love her no matter what anyone says.
The biggest lesson came next when I asked if she thought she could pray for those girls that God would help her to love them. Her answer was genuine, "I think I will want to pray for myself more." This I totally understand, especially since I wanted to "sock it" to those girls! So I shared a story about when I was bullied by a girl in middle school (she was actually my roommate at my boarding school). She called me names, teased me and even hit me at times. None of the staff would believe those of us she bullied, so we felt so alone. I'll never forget a lady who did believe me and what she asked me to do changed my spiritual life forever. She said, "Diane, have you thought about praying for ______? Pray that God would change your heart for her, to love her." I thought she was crazy, but grudgingly gave it a try. God totally transformed "me" and I loved her. I couldn't help it, it just poured out of me. I knew it was just God's love coming through me. It was such an amazing answer to prayer, beyond what I thought would happen. Even better, this girl came back from the summer break a totally different person and she even thanked me for loving her!
It was exciting to be able to share this experience with Eliza. Even though I want to take all the pain and trials for my children so they don't have to bear it, I have to remember how much these things can build them up, mature them in their faith. Much like it did me. I don't want to rob her of the joy of seeing prayer work in her young life. My job now is to walk with her through this time, speaking truth about who God says she is and to model grace for her by praying with her for these girls. Praying that they would see Christ in Eliza, and experience His love for them and be changed by it. Isn't this our purpose in life? I finished by telling Eliza that God has called her to be a missionary in her school! What a rich privilege to do God's work at such a young age!!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tribute to Vicky
Sweet Vicky, I really miss you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I know you are so happy and satisfied up there with our Father. You're probably drinking the best cup of coffee and chatting with Him right now. Or running tireless down the most beautiful beach in your new body. I can just see you with that smile, the joy radiating from your face. That's the one comfort I have to this void your absence has left.
I learned so much from my relationship with you. I'll never forget the times we prayed together, the time we burned your address book of dealer's numbers, going to get coffee (vanilla bean frapp. was always your favorite), studying out of the Good New's Bible with the little pictures you loved, taking walks through parks, talking about little critters and gardening. God really spoke to you through His creation. I'll never forget the Cardinal the Lord sent to show you that He truly cared for you and had not abandoned you!
I miss hearing you joke around with everyone, even when you were so sick in the hospital you would joke around with the hospital staff. You were a stubborn cat, too. Sometimes I got so frustrated with you, but I couldn't stay there, I just loved you so much. You were one of the only people that I wasn't afraid to be totally blunt with. I knew you'd get mad, maybe, but knew that you were loyal and wouldn't reject me. Because of this I was able to share some hard truth with you and you would listen.
I miss hearing you say, "Good googly-moogly," "Girl-bye!!," "Absolutely!!," to name a few. I miss your head thrown back in laughter and your chuckle. I miss how you called me all the time: "whatcha doin'" you'd say and you would always ask how I was. Then you would end with "love, bye."
It's nearing your birthday. Last year we were supposed to have a big party to celebrate your being drug-free for 2 years. Instead you spent it in the hospital. I guess your funeral was that celebration-you will never struggle again, my dear friend.
I wanted you to write a book and travel and talk with women with addictions and on the streets. I had huge dreams for you. But I guess God wanted you home more. I can see why, I'm sure you add some "spice" to the heavenlies! Your imprint lives on in my heart. I hope I can do it justice and share your story with others. I look forward to seeing you on the other side of those pearly gates. And I know you will not be scrubbing those gates like you used to joke. I know you're at our Father's feet right now basking in His eternal love. I love you, sweet friend!
I learned so much from my relationship with you. I'll never forget the times we prayed together, the time we burned your address book of dealer's numbers, going to get coffee (vanilla bean frapp. was always your favorite), studying out of the Good New's Bible with the little pictures you loved, taking walks through parks, talking about little critters and gardening. God really spoke to you through His creation. I'll never forget the Cardinal the Lord sent to show you that He truly cared for you and had not abandoned you!
I miss hearing you joke around with everyone, even when you were so sick in the hospital you would joke around with the hospital staff. You were a stubborn cat, too. Sometimes I got so frustrated with you, but I couldn't stay there, I just loved you so much. You were one of the only people that I wasn't afraid to be totally blunt with. I knew you'd get mad, maybe, but knew that you were loyal and wouldn't reject me. Because of this I was able to share some hard truth with you and you would listen.
I miss hearing you say, "Good googly-moogly," "Girl-bye!!," "Absolutely!!," to name a few. I miss your head thrown back in laughter and your chuckle. I miss how you called me all the time: "whatcha doin'" you'd say and you would always ask how I was. Then you would end with "love, bye."
It's nearing your birthday. Last year we were supposed to have a big party to celebrate your being drug-free for 2 years. Instead you spent it in the hospital. I guess your funeral was that celebration-you will never struggle again, my dear friend.
I wanted you to write a book and travel and talk with women with addictions and on the streets. I had huge dreams for you. But I guess God wanted you home more. I can see why, I'm sure you add some "spice" to the heavenlies! Your imprint lives on in my heart. I hope I can do it justice and share your story with others. I look forward to seeing you on the other side of those pearly gates. And I know you will not be scrubbing those gates like you used to joke. I know you're at our Father's feet right now basking in His eternal love. I love you, sweet friend!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Fatigue, IBS, Impossible Diets, What Next???
I haven't posted in so long. Partly because I still feel like I'm sleepless in Greensboro!! If it's not one child it's been another to wake up with nightmares and climb in bed (usually it's Jacob). Although the Lord has taught me through this that I can be thankful, it still does not make for a good night's sleep.
More recently, like this morning, I've been motivated to write about my experience with my physical body. A year ago this past Nov. I started to feel terrible: nauseated, bloated, gassy, and extremely exhausted. I went to my Dr., we checked on my gall bladder, kidneys and all that. Then through lengthy conversations my Dr. diagnosed me with Fructose Mal absorption. I researched it to death and found a diet: FOD MAPS to follow. It was depressing because I had to give up everything with gluten and many fruits and veggies that I loved. But I did and lost 10 pounds right off the bat (note: I was only eating veggies and fruit the diet allowed, no grains, when I lost the weight).
I started to feel better for a while. But some things were still bothering me and it was hard to figure out what it was. I would still have gas every now and then, my bowels still not 100%. I had to guess what it was that bothering me. My husband would say, "oh no, what did you eat?" My answer was usually, "I don't know what's bothering me!!!" I still stuck to the diet as faithfully as I could, even making my own bread. I added coffee back into my diet because it is one thing that I truly enjoy and I had to give up so much already. I added in some very dark chocolate too and mozzarella cheese. What is life without cheese? My problems started to get worse again and I still had the fatigue and gained the weight back that I had lost. Aargh!!!
So, fast forward to this January, more than a year on this FODMAPS diet. A friend told me about a friend of hers that was blogging about her struggles with Candida. Her symptoms seemed similar to mine. Sooo, I went home and looked it up and proceeded to research it. I was floored by how much it seemed to relate to me! Soon it became overwhelming because so many people have different theories and ways of getting rid of it. Some views were so hopeful and some depressing. I did a simple spit test you can do at home and took a quiz that some Dr.s came up with to figure out at what level you might have this yeast overgrowth. My score came out to be the moderate to severe category, so I decided to give it a try.
I took notes of different herbs and detox diets that I could do. I found some really helpful websites. WholeApproach.com has a helpful diet to follow. I gave up bread, caffeine, coffee, anything with sugar, Greek yogurt, mozzarella cheese, chips and many fruits. I was able to add onions and garlic back into my diet, so at least my food could have some flavor. I stopped taking my multi-vitamins (one website said this can hinder the "die-off" of the yeast because it feeds the yeast in some way-major paraphrase). I started taking a good pro-biotic called Threelac that I found on a website: candidasupport.org. This website suggests you only need to take these probiotics and will be good to go. That wasn't my complete experience. I chose to also do the diet in order to really "starve" the yeast and therefore have it out of my system quicker.
I had been trying to exercise regularly when all of this was happening. Talk about torture, though. When you are so fatigued, thinking about exercising is the last thing on one's mind. But I made myself do it, thanks to my dog who needed the exercise as well (he was my main motivation). And Jilian Michaels can be quite persuasive on her work out videos, too. Between the diet, regular exercise, probiotics, anti-fungals and liver support natural herbs, I've been doing really well. I'm still a bit fatigued, but can tell a big difference from before I started (I've only been doing this 5 weeks). I have less gas and bowel issues (some, I believe, is experienced through the "die-off" of the yeast, from what I've read). The diet is rather restrictive and expensive, but seems worth it.
These are just the physical details of my experience. There is so much more to it that God has taught me through this whole experience. I would love to share it all with you, but not in this one post. So keep checking and I will share my experience with you!
More recently, like this morning, I've been motivated to write about my experience with my physical body. A year ago this past Nov. I started to feel terrible: nauseated, bloated, gassy, and extremely exhausted. I went to my Dr., we checked on my gall bladder, kidneys and all that. Then through lengthy conversations my Dr. diagnosed me with Fructose Mal absorption. I researched it to death and found a diet: FOD MAPS to follow. It was depressing because I had to give up everything with gluten and many fruits and veggies that I loved. But I did and lost 10 pounds right off the bat (note: I was only eating veggies and fruit the diet allowed, no grains, when I lost the weight).
I started to feel better for a while. But some things were still bothering me and it was hard to figure out what it was. I would still have gas every now and then, my bowels still not 100%. I had to guess what it was that bothering me. My husband would say, "oh no, what did you eat?" My answer was usually, "I don't know what's bothering me!!!" I still stuck to the diet as faithfully as I could, even making my own bread. I added coffee back into my diet because it is one thing that I truly enjoy and I had to give up so much already. I added in some very dark chocolate too and mozzarella cheese. What is life without cheese? My problems started to get worse again and I still had the fatigue and gained the weight back that I had lost. Aargh!!!
So, fast forward to this January, more than a year on this FODMAPS diet. A friend told me about a friend of hers that was blogging about her struggles with Candida. Her symptoms seemed similar to mine. Sooo, I went home and looked it up and proceeded to research it. I was floored by how much it seemed to relate to me! Soon it became overwhelming because so many people have different theories and ways of getting rid of it. Some views were so hopeful and some depressing. I did a simple spit test you can do at home and took a quiz that some Dr.s came up with to figure out at what level you might have this yeast overgrowth. My score came out to be the moderate to severe category, so I decided to give it a try.
I took notes of different herbs and detox diets that I could do. I found some really helpful websites. WholeApproach.com has a helpful diet to follow. I gave up bread, caffeine, coffee, anything with sugar, Greek yogurt, mozzarella cheese, chips and many fruits. I was able to add onions and garlic back into my diet, so at least my food could have some flavor. I stopped taking my multi-vitamins (one website said this can hinder the "die-off" of the yeast because it feeds the yeast in some way-major paraphrase). I started taking a good pro-biotic called Threelac that I found on a website: candidasupport.org. This website suggests you only need to take these probiotics and will be good to go. That wasn't my complete experience. I chose to also do the diet in order to really "starve" the yeast and therefore have it out of my system quicker.
I had been trying to exercise regularly when all of this was happening. Talk about torture, though. When you are so fatigued, thinking about exercising is the last thing on one's mind. But I made myself do it, thanks to my dog who needed the exercise as well (he was my main motivation). And Jilian Michaels can be quite persuasive on her work out videos, too. Between the diet, regular exercise, probiotics, anti-fungals and liver support natural herbs, I've been doing really well. I'm still a bit fatigued, but can tell a big difference from before I started (I've only been doing this 5 weeks). I have less gas and bowel issues (some, I believe, is experienced through the "die-off" of the yeast, from what I've read). The diet is rather restrictive and expensive, but seems worth it.
These are just the physical details of my experience. There is so much more to it that God has taught me through this whole experience. I would love to share it all with you, but not in this one post. So keep checking and I will share my experience with you!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Just Another Statistic
As I was driving through my neighborhood last night, I saw an old friend hanging out on "the block." She waved me down and I stopped to talk to her. We talked for a few moments about a mutual friend and then she asked me if I had heard about Linda. I rarely watch, read or listen to the news because it overwhelms me, so I hadn't heard. Linda was hit by a car on Lee St., blocks from my house and she had died.
Linda, one day a living breathing creation of God, the next day just another statistic among the poor. Although she may not be missed by most people, her death is very real to the poor/homeless in this area. Even if they aren't that sad that she's gone, they realize it could have easily been one of the them.
Linda was a broken woman. I could tell you the bad things that Linda did and to you it would justify my times of frustration with her. Linda was so bound up by her addiction that she did anything to serve it as her god. So many times we tried to talk to her, gave her food and prayed for her. It was like a brick wall stood between us, truth and love could not seem to penetrate. It saddened my heart every time I saw her walking. This tiny woman, sometimes wearing different colored wigs walked up and down the streets panhandling at different stoplights. She was on a mission to sacrifice whatever she needed to, even her dignity, as an act of worship to this god of hers.
On one such event it was a friend of mine who Linda waved down, asking for money. My friend said she wouldn't give her money, but could bring her some food. To this Linda replied in anger and walked off. My eight-year-old, Eliza, happened to be in the car and witnessed this event. She knew Linda because we prayed for her as a family. Eliza said, with tears in her eyes, "I wish there was no such thing as drugs!"
I wish there wasn't such a thing, too, sweetheart. There is so much brokenness in this world and it's heartbreaking. God promises His people, who are doing wicked things, in Isaiah 30, that "in returning and rest you will be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength." Verse 18 says, "the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for Him." Linda could have experienced this quietness and strength, but she chose to run off on her "swift horse," just like the children of Israel did. Even though God offered this grace, they did not accept, but ran away from it.
I wish our world could see God's mercy and grace for ALL. Linda is not just another statistic to God. He saw her pain, her affliction, her chains. He already forgave her for all of her sins. Whether or not she believed that, I will never know. I just pray that we will seek God on how to allow His Spirit, through us, to penetrate the walls of sin, showing His love and graciousness to ALL people. Let us not just treat them as another future statistic!
Linda, one day a living breathing creation of God, the next day just another statistic among the poor. Although she may not be missed by most people, her death is very real to the poor/homeless in this area. Even if they aren't that sad that she's gone, they realize it could have easily been one of the them.
Linda was a broken woman. I could tell you the bad things that Linda did and to you it would justify my times of frustration with her. Linda was so bound up by her addiction that she did anything to serve it as her god. So many times we tried to talk to her, gave her food and prayed for her. It was like a brick wall stood between us, truth and love could not seem to penetrate. It saddened my heart every time I saw her walking. This tiny woman, sometimes wearing different colored wigs walked up and down the streets panhandling at different stoplights. She was on a mission to sacrifice whatever she needed to, even her dignity, as an act of worship to this god of hers.
On one such event it was a friend of mine who Linda waved down, asking for money. My friend said she wouldn't give her money, but could bring her some food. To this Linda replied in anger and walked off. My eight-year-old, Eliza, happened to be in the car and witnessed this event. She knew Linda because we prayed for her as a family. Eliza said, with tears in her eyes, "I wish there was no such thing as drugs!"
I wish there wasn't such a thing, too, sweetheart. There is so much brokenness in this world and it's heartbreaking. God promises His people, who are doing wicked things, in Isaiah 30, that "in returning and rest you will be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength." Verse 18 says, "the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for Him." Linda could have experienced this quietness and strength, but she chose to run off on her "swift horse," just like the children of Israel did. Even though God offered this grace, they did not accept, but ran away from it.
I wish our world could see God's mercy and grace for ALL. Linda is not just another statistic to God. He saw her pain, her affliction, her chains. He already forgave her for all of her sins. Whether or not she believed that, I will never know. I just pray that we will seek God on how to allow His Spirit, through us, to penetrate the walls of sin, showing His love and graciousness to ALL people. Let us not just treat them as another future statistic!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I'm Baaack!!
For those of you that have missed me in the blogworld, I have decided to return. I took a sabbatical, of sorts, from writing and reading blogs because I felt like I was always online. I honestly felted nudged to write many times (from God, I suppose, but I kept putting it off). I know that some of you were blessed by my honesty in my struggle with anxiety. So, for you, I want to continue blogging, as I am still walking down this path.
I left off over a year ago when I went spiraling down into a pit of anxiety. It was a scary and exhausting time. I was experiencing symptoms of about every major disease you could think of and it felt so real and devastating. Tied to it was a fear that if I died, I would be abandoning my children. Abandonment had such a strong hold on my heart. My logic, during this time, was that something terrible was wrong with me, despite what other people told me. I felt crazy and at times just wanted the Lord to take me home.
It turns out that my anxiety med. was a part of what was going on. But the biggest change came through counseling in understanding my personality, my fears and how to react to these. God felt so distant during this time, but I now know that He was right there with me the whole time.
I look back and I'm thankful for that time. I had to cling to God, even though I didn't feel Him, I HAD to believe He was there and that He loved me. It was a vulnerable time, a time of surrender and choosing to believe the truths of His Word. Psalm 18 was my favorite passage during this time, I clung to His truth that "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of the deep waters....He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." It still brings tears to my eyes to look back and remember that He DID rescue me. He DID bring me to a spacious place! All because He loves me!
Psalm 23 was so beautiful to me too. It reminded me that, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies...." What a beautiful picture of God's presence during our trials. He has a banquet prepared for us in the midst of our trials. It's our choice to believe it is there and eat from the banquet or to run in fear. For so long I ran and hid, I still do at times. But the Lord has shown me how bountiful His banquet is if I put my trust in Him during these hard times. My hope is that you will take part in this "banquet." That you will choose to believe in God's love for you and "taste and see that God is good," that it's His peace that passes all understanding.
I left off over a year ago when I went spiraling down into a pit of anxiety. It was a scary and exhausting time. I was experiencing symptoms of about every major disease you could think of and it felt so real and devastating. Tied to it was a fear that if I died, I would be abandoning my children. Abandonment had such a strong hold on my heart. My logic, during this time, was that something terrible was wrong with me, despite what other people told me. I felt crazy and at times just wanted the Lord to take me home.
It turns out that my anxiety med. was a part of what was going on. But the biggest change came through counseling in understanding my personality, my fears and how to react to these. God felt so distant during this time, but I now know that He was right there with me the whole time.
I look back and I'm thankful for that time. I had to cling to God, even though I didn't feel Him, I HAD to believe He was there and that He loved me. It was a vulnerable time, a time of surrender and choosing to believe the truths of His Word. Psalm 18 was my favorite passage during this time, I clung to His truth that "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of the deep waters....He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." It still brings tears to my eyes to look back and remember that He DID rescue me. He DID bring me to a spacious place! All because He loves me!
Psalm 23 was so beautiful to me too. It reminded me that, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies...." What a beautiful picture of God's presence during our trials. He has a banquet prepared for us in the midst of our trials. It's our choice to believe it is there and eat from the banquet or to run in fear. For so long I ran and hid, I still do at times. But the Lord has shown me how bountiful His banquet is if I put my trust in Him during these hard times. My hope is that you will take part in this "banquet." That you will choose to believe in God's love for you and "taste and see that God is good," that it's His peace that passes all understanding.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Buried Treasures
When I was pregnant with Jacob, I traveled with the GUPY team to the Dominican Republic. We spent time with some kids that were part of a camp. One morning we did a Bible Study on the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. A master gave 3 of his servants some talents (money). Each servant was given a different amount according to their ability and the master left for an indefinite time. The servant with the most talents invested his and gained double what he was given, so did the second servant. The third servant who had one talent went out into a field and burried his talent, afraid of the master. When the master returned the servants brought to him what they had done with his money. He was angry with the servant who buried his.
I was struck that day, not with guilt or fear of what happened to the lazy servant, but convicted by the Lord that I had buried my talent. At first I thought that what God was referring to was maybe a gift of intercession that He wanted me to embrace. So over the past few years I've thought about this many times. So, of course, I wanted to choose this path and made efforts to pursue uncovering this "talent." And, of course, the area of prayer has been my greatest struggle.
Over these past few years the Lord has been making a mess of my inner life. If you've read any of my recent posts, you know what I'm talking about. For my good and freedom from bondage the Lord has been breaking me, little by little, layer by layer. I've been going to counseling and have realized that I did not think God or anyone loved me, that I was not worthy of His love. He brought me through that dark tunnel to the other side of believing in His unfailing love for me. There has been so much freedom and growth through that experience. I'm such a different person for it.
Back to the talents. I still believed that now, with this new confidence in God's love for me that He would help to reveal this buried talent. Then, of course, pride got in the way. I was focusing so much on the action of intercessing and the fact that I failed at it most of the time and it was my job and..... This summer proved to me without a doubt that I am nothing without Christ. Here I was pursuing the wrong thing. Even though I didn't feel like I was really focused on it, pride was slowly creeping in. When I started to struggle with panic attacks, my efforts to pray and intercede for myself were continually thwarted. It was such an exhausting battle that I know I did not win. Christ was there for me, but I think the lesson for me was that I cannot do it on my own strength. I have to abide in Christ on a minute by minute basis. He is the intercessor, I can benefit from the blessing of listening and being open to being used by Him to intercess with Him.
In my counseling we've been uncovering who I am as a Highly Sensitive Person. Thanks to Jane, my counselor and Elaine Aaron, the psychologist and author who's researched this topic, I'm discovering who I was really created to be. I realize that over the years through pain from abandonment and fears of being alone, I've slowly buried myself in order to protect my heart. I've then trained myself to be what I thought the world wanted me to be, "a disservice to the world" as my friend Elaine Aaron calls it. I realized last night what the talent is that I've buried. ME!! As God created me to be. He created us all to be unique and to make up His body, the church. I've realized that I have learned to accept God unfailing love for me (praise Him!!), but I have not accepted myself or my temperment as a Highly Sensitive Person! That IS a disservice to the world and to God's kingdom. Not that I'm any better than the next person. This goes for all of us. God and I will continue to dig out my treasure, shovels in hand, and I will get blisters on my hands, a sunburn on my neck. I will get exhausted and thirsty, but oh the joy when we can finally open up that chest and see how God wants to use His treasure in His kingdom. I will toil for that!
I was struck that day, not with guilt or fear of what happened to the lazy servant, but convicted by the Lord that I had buried my talent. At first I thought that what God was referring to was maybe a gift of intercession that He wanted me to embrace. So over the past few years I've thought about this many times. So, of course, I wanted to choose this path and made efforts to pursue uncovering this "talent." And, of course, the area of prayer has been my greatest struggle.
Over these past few years the Lord has been making a mess of my inner life. If you've read any of my recent posts, you know what I'm talking about. For my good and freedom from bondage the Lord has been breaking me, little by little, layer by layer. I've been going to counseling and have realized that I did not think God or anyone loved me, that I was not worthy of His love. He brought me through that dark tunnel to the other side of believing in His unfailing love for me. There has been so much freedom and growth through that experience. I'm such a different person for it.
Back to the talents. I still believed that now, with this new confidence in God's love for me that He would help to reveal this buried talent. Then, of course, pride got in the way. I was focusing so much on the action of intercessing and the fact that I failed at it most of the time and it was my job and..... This summer proved to me without a doubt that I am nothing without Christ. Here I was pursuing the wrong thing. Even though I didn't feel like I was really focused on it, pride was slowly creeping in. When I started to struggle with panic attacks, my efforts to pray and intercede for myself were continually thwarted. It was such an exhausting battle that I know I did not win. Christ was there for me, but I think the lesson for me was that I cannot do it on my own strength. I have to abide in Christ on a minute by minute basis. He is the intercessor, I can benefit from the blessing of listening and being open to being used by Him to intercess with Him.
In my counseling we've been uncovering who I am as a Highly Sensitive Person. Thanks to Jane, my counselor and Elaine Aaron, the psychologist and author who's researched this topic, I'm discovering who I was really created to be. I realize that over the years through pain from abandonment and fears of being alone, I've slowly buried myself in order to protect my heart. I've then trained myself to be what I thought the world wanted me to be, "a disservice to the world" as my friend Elaine Aaron calls it. I realized last night what the talent is that I've buried. ME!! As God created me to be. He created us all to be unique and to make up His body, the church. I've realized that I have learned to accept God unfailing love for me (praise Him!!), but I have not accepted myself or my temperment as a Highly Sensitive Person! That IS a disservice to the world and to God's kingdom. Not that I'm any better than the next person. This goes for all of us. God and I will continue to dig out my treasure, shovels in hand, and I will get blisters on my hands, a sunburn on my neck. I will get exhausted and thirsty, but oh the joy when we can finally open up that chest and see how God wants to use His treasure in His kingdom. I will toil for that!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
"Take this Cup From Me"
These painful words were uttered by my sweet Lord in the Garden of Gethsemane, the night of His arrest. He knew that the time was coming for His crucifixion and was praying to the Father that this "cup" of wrath be taken from Him, not His will, but His Father's will be done. I don't believe He was afraid or even dreading the pain and suffering, but rather the separation from His Father.
I, myself, cried out these words about a month ago. I was experiencing some of the darkest hours of my life. It started out that I was just dizzy all the time. Then I started to worry about the dizziness and so began my self-diagnosis. This propelled me down through a black hole of panic attacks, one right after the other. I tried and tried to battle them through prayer and scripture. I would be all right for a few minutes, then another one would hit. My whole head would tingle, my arms and legs would go numb, my ears would start ringing. Ceiling fans and passing traffic made me dizzy, my vision was sometimes blurry and any conversation that was overwhelming (welfare, injustice, addictions) would overwhelm me and send me into a panic attack. The worse thing about it was that very few people even knew most of this struggle. I felt so much shame it was hard for me to even share it with my husband. I was so afraid of rejection and my pride was sore.
So I remained in my inner turmoil, meanwhile trying to take care of my kids. I just wanted it to go away. I cried out to God, asking Him to in a sense, "take this cup" from me. But, it wasn't time. I finally went to my Dr. and we realized that I was reacting to my anxiety medication she had put me on in May. So, she had me stop that medicine cold turkey and start a new on the next day. If anyone has been on these meds. you know that you should not stop them cold turkey! My Dr. said it was going to be a hard week, but it was necessary, so I did it. Those first few days were horrible. I couldn't be around people. I wanted to hide in a dark room and never come out. I even prayed to God asking that He please take me, now. I didn't even want to go yard saling! That's when I know there's a problem!
There is one passage that carried me through those dark hours. Psalm 18. You should read it. God led me to read this passage one afternoon in the middle of one of my attacks and I just started sobbing. He loves me so much that He will part the sky and scatter my enemies when I call for help. He will scoop me up out of the dark waters because He delights in me. He will set me in a spacious place. What is a spacious place in the middle of chaos? Sounds good, doesn't it? For me it was knowing that God loved me and delighted in me no matter what. If I was committed to a Psychiatric hospital, God would still love me and delight in me the same as He loves me when I don't struggle. But I notice Him more when I do struggle. I needed Him. I realized how much I depend on myself to be in control. I felt so out of control and helpless. That brought me to my knees. And ultimately, because God is good, it all brought glory to His name. He was the only one that could have lifted me out of that pit and praise Him, He did. It wasn't immediate, but I was able to find comfort in the truth that He loved me despite my anxiety. Remember that great Psalm 23, the part that says: "God set a table before me in the presence of my enemies. My cup runneth over...." So, even though our struggles may not be solved He sets a banqet before us, He fills us to overflowing. If we just let Him enter that place with us and are willing to wait patiently for the healing that will come from it.
I, myself, cried out these words about a month ago. I was experiencing some of the darkest hours of my life. It started out that I was just dizzy all the time. Then I started to worry about the dizziness and so began my self-diagnosis. This propelled me down through a black hole of panic attacks, one right after the other. I tried and tried to battle them through prayer and scripture. I would be all right for a few minutes, then another one would hit. My whole head would tingle, my arms and legs would go numb, my ears would start ringing. Ceiling fans and passing traffic made me dizzy, my vision was sometimes blurry and any conversation that was overwhelming (welfare, injustice, addictions) would overwhelm me and send me into a panic attack. The worse thing about it was that very few people even knew most of this struggle. I felt so much shame it was hard for me to even share it with my husband. I was so afraid of rejection and my pride was sore.
So I remained in my inner turmoil, meanwhile trying to take care of my kids. I just wanted it to go away. I cried out to God, asking Him to in a sense, "take this cup" from me. But, it wasn't time. I finally went to my Dr. and we realized that I was reacting to my anxiety medication she had put me on in May. So, she had me stop that medicine cold turkey and start a new on the next day. If anyone has been on these meds. you know that you should not stop them cold turkey! My Dr. said it was going to be a hard week, but it was necessary, so I did it. Those first few days were horrible. I couldn't be around people. I wanted to hide in a dark room and never come out. I even prayed to God asking that He please take me, now. I didn't even want to go yard saling! That's when I know there's a problem!
There is one passage that carried me through those dark hours. Psalm 18. You should read it. God led me to read this passage one afternoon in the middle of one of my attacks and I just started sobbing. He loves me so much that He will part the sky and scatter my enemies when I call for help. He will scoop me up out of the dark waters because He delights in me. He will set me in a spacious place. What is a spacious place in the middle of chaos? Sounds good, doesn't it? For me it was knowing that God loved me and delighted in me no matter what. If I was committed to a Psychiatric hospital, God would still love me and delight in me the same as He loves me when I don't struggle. But I notice Him more when I do struggle. I needed Him. I realized how much I depend on myself to be in control. I felt so out of control and helpless. That brought me to my knees. And ultimately, because God is good, it all brought glory to His name. He was the only one that could have lifted me out of that pit and praise Him, He did. It wasn't immediate, but I was able to find comfort in the truth that He loved me despite my anxiety. Remember that great Psalm 23, the part that says: "God set a table before me in the presence of my enemies. My cup runneth over...." So, even though our struggles may not be solved He sets a banqet before us, He fills us to overflowing. If we just let Him enter that place with us and are willing to wait patiently for the healing that will come from it.
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