This morning I blew it....again!

This morning started out perfect. The 6:30 phone call said that schools were delayed for 2 hours because of the light dusting of snow. It was so pretty outside, Marshall made cinnamon rolls, we played outside and drank hot cocoa with pink marshmallows. But then it was time to go to school. I had given the 20 minute warning (to whom, I have no idea). What kids under five have a clue how long 20 minutes is? I don't even have a clue.

Well, I'm getting things done, the kids are playing and then I notice, it's time, right now, to start getting out the door! Of course Eliza didn't have shoes on, then she couldn't find her other shoe or the purple socks she wanted to wear. I still was in my PJs and no bra. Then Eliza's shoes felt uncomfortable, but instead of being compassionate and helping her with that I made the comment that she had plenty of nice shoes in the closet that she never wears and so she can put one of those on, "I don't care!!!" Of course she lost it, back when she couldn't find her other shoe. The whole time I'm telling her to stop, she's getting herself all upset for nothing.
(oops)

We finally get to the door and she says she's hungry. I tell her she should have told me this 20 minutes ago. Again,... really? Should I expect a five year old to be able to do this? Meanwhile Jacob is out in the yard stuck in the fence. I'm so angry with Eliza that I yell at her to, "Go to the car, I'll get you something to eat, Arghhh, (slamming of doors and stomping of feet), what is your problem?!!!" I know you all are thinking, "what is YOUR problem?" We finally make it to the car and we're not even late, I'm just impatient and unloving at this point, blaming her for making us late when she can't fit her big backpack through the seats to sit in the back. She and Psalter are fighting over who's going to sit in the back. Meanwhile Jacob is chasing blowing leaves down the sidewalk.

Needless to say, I recognized I was having a meltdown. I had just given up back when Eliza couldn't find her other shoe. I had entered into the chaos, so focused on myself that I pushed disappointment and guilt onto my highly sensitive child. I hated myself as I was saying and thinking these things. I knew I'd have to stash away for another future counseling appointment for my sweet, eager-to-please little five-year-old. What a psycho mom I was. Happy and fun with the hot cocoa and pink marshmallows, then I turned into a monster.

I did, thank goodness, remember God's grace. I asked my children for forgiveness and then prayed out loud asking God for His forgiveness. It was a very quiet car at that moment. As Eliza left the car, I hugged her saying, "mommy is not perfect, I really messed up this morning yelling at you and I'm so sorry, will you forgive me?" My sweet child said the most precious 4 words, "I forgive you, Mommy." I'm so glad that the Lord can use our junk to show us and our kids how deep His love and grace goes. I know that I'll mess up again, but God's grace is sufficient enough to cover that too, and He'll use it for good somehow!