Panic 101

Hi, my name is Diane and I have an anxiety disorder. At least, that's what my doctor calls it and maybe it's temporary. Why does that matter anyway, though. It doesn't make me any less of a person. It sure does mess with my image, though. I find it very difficult not to wear the shame of this sickness. There's so much stigma attached to this disease that it's hard to see it as a sickness and not a failure.

I first started to experience the panic attacks after I had been going to counseling for several months. I know that opening up wounds from the past can sometimes trigger this response. I started on a medication because my counselor encouraged me to. It really did help me to clear my head enough to work through some hard issues and learn the triggers to my anxiety. One of my struggles was wondering if I didn't have enough faith in God to help me through this struggle. Did I really need to take a drug? But I truly respect my counselor and Dr., so I took their advice.

About two weeks ago my whole scalp and face started tingling almost constantly. I of course reverted to my old struggle of a closet hypochondriac and started to self-diagnose. It didn't look good from my point of view. But, of course, I'm a closet hypochondriac martyr, which means I don't go to the Dr. or tell anyone, I just "suffer" through my symptoms quietly. Yes, there you have a small glimpse into my psyche.

So, I did call my Dr. because the tingling went on for days. I did actually have a good reason too because I had bumped my head really hard a day before the tingling started. I know from Web M.D. that not all concussions knock you out, so I wanted to rule out that possibility. Well, in meeting with my Dr. she had no questions about my possible concussion, apparently not a worry. But she went straight to talking about my medication. She pointed out that I wasn't taking enough coupled with a very busy and somewhat burdensome previous 3-4 months.

Like most diseases, this one is very debilitating. I feel both exhausted and ashamed. It's a very humbling sickness. Suffering through it makes me wonder, is it because of some sin? Am I ever going to get over this? Does it ruin my reputation? Then I want to explain myself away to make myself acceptable. I want to justify somehow.

This Sunday during service I just felt the Lord saying, "let go." I've been reading in Romans 12 about offering myself as a living sacrifice, acceptable and pleasing to God. Later on in Chapter 13 Paul exhorts the Romans to "clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature." The desire of my sinful nature in this case is to beat myself up, put on my cloak of shame and my mask covering up what's really going on inside. But Paul is telling us to offer ourselves as we are, this is our spiritual act of worship. God has already assured me of my belonging with Him. So I want to shed this coat of shame and clothe myself with Christ. Surely God wants to help me do this so that He will be glorified.

No matter if I struggle with this all my life, I am accepted as I am. Because of this acceptance I can "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Praise the Lord that my acceptance does not depend on me! Praise the Lord that I get to offer myself to God as I am and I don't have to have it all together to do so. This is pure freedom!