I haven't posted in so long. Partly because I still feel like I'm sleepless in Greensboro!! If it's not one child it's been another to wake up with nightmares and climb in bed (usually it's Jacob). Although the Lord has taught me through this that I can be thankful, it still does not make for a good night's sleep.
More recently, like this morning, I've been motivated to write about my experience with my physical body. A year ago this past Nov. I started to feel terrible: nauseated, bloated, gassy, and extremely exhausted. I went to my Dr., we checked on my gall bladder, kidneys and all that. Then through lengthy conversations my Dr. diagnosed me with Fructose Mal absorption. I researched it to death and found a diet: FOD MAPS to follow. It was depressing because I had to give up everything with gluten and many fruits and veggies that I loved. But I did and lost 10 pounds right off the bat (note: I was only eating veggies and fruit the diet allowed, no grains, when I lost the weight).
I started to feel better for a while. But some things were still bothering me and it was hard to figure out what it was. I would still have gas every now and then, my bowels still not 100%. I had to guess what it was that bothering me. My husband would say, "oh no, what did you eat?" My answer was usually, "I don't know what's bothering me!!!" I still stuck to the diet as faithfully as I could, even making my own bread. I added coffee back into my diet because it is one thing that I truly enjoy and I had to give up so much already. I added in some very dark chocolate too and mozzarella cheese. What is life without cheese? My problems started to get worse again and I still had the fatigue and gained the weight back that I had lost. Aargh!!!
So, fast forward to this January, more than a year on this FODMAPS diet. A friend told me about a friend of hers that was blogging about her struggles with Candida. Her symptoms seemed similar to mine. Sooo, I went home and looked it up and proceeded to research it. I was floored by how much it seemed to relate to me! Soon it became overwhelming because so many people have different theories and ways of getting rid of it. Some views were so hopeful and some depressing. I did a simple spit test you can do at home and took a quiz that some Dr.s came up with to figure out at what level you might have this yeast overgrowth. My score came out to be the moderate to severe category, so I decided to give it a try.
I took notes of different herbs and detox diets that I could do. I found some really helpful websites. WholeApproach.com has a helpful diet to follow. I gave up bread, caffeine, coffee, anything with sugar, Greek yogurt, mozzarella cheese, chips and many fruits. I was able to add onions and garlic back into my diet, so at least my food could have some flavor. I stopped taking my multi-vitamins (one website said this can hinder the "die-off" of the yeast because it feeds the yeast in some way-major paraphrase). I started taking a good pro-biotic called Threelac that I found on a website: candidasupport.org. This website suggests you only need to take these probiotics and will be good to go. That wasn't my complete experience. I chose to also do the diet in order to really "starve" the yeast and therefore have it out of my system quicker.
I had been trying to exercise regularly when all of this was happening. Talk about torture, though. When you are so fatigued, thinking about exercising is the last thing on one's mind. But I made myself do it, thanks to my dog who needed the exercise as well (he was my main motivation). And Jilian Michaels can be quite persuasive on her work out videos, too. Between the diet, regular exercise, probiotics, anti-fungals and liver support natural herbs, I've been doing really well. I'm still a bit fatigued, but can tell a big difference from before I started (I've only been doing this 5 weeks). I have less gas and bowel issues (some, I believe, is experienced through the "die-off" of the yeast, from what I've read). The diet is rather restrictive and expensive, but seems worth it.
These are just the physical details of my experience. There is so much more to it that God has taught me through this whole experience. I would love to share it all with you, but not in this one post. So keep checking and I will share my experience with you!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Just Another Statistic
As I was driving through my neighborhood last night, I saw an old friend hanging out on "the block." She waved me down and I stopped to talk to her. We talked for a few moments about a mutual friend and then she asked me if I had heard about Linda. I rarely watch, read or listen to the news because it overwhelms me, so I hadn't heard. Linda was hit by a car on Lee St., blocks from my house and she had died.
Linda, one day a living breathing creation of God, the next day just another statistic among the poor. Although she may not be missed by most people, her death is very real to the poor/homeless in this area. Even if they aren't that sad that she's gone, they realize it could have easily been one of the them.
Linda was a broken woman. I could tell you the bad things that Linda did and to you it would justify my times of frustration with her. Linda was so bound up by her addiction that she did anything to serve it as her god. So many times we tried to talk to her, gave her food and prayed for her. It was like a brick wall stood between us, truth and love could not seem to penetrate. It saddened my heart every time I saw her walking. This tiny woman, sometimes wearing different colored wigs walked up and down the streets panhandling at different stoplights. She was on a mission to sacrifice whatever she needed to, even her dignity, as an act of worship to this god of hers.
On one such event it was a friend of mine who Linda waved down, asking for money. My friend said she wouldn't give her money, but could bring her some food. To this Linda replied in anger and walked off. My eight-year-old, Eliza, happened to be in the car and witnessed this event. She knew Linda because we prayed for her as a family. Eliza said, with tears in her eyes, "I wish there was no such thing as drugs!"
I wish there wasn't such a thing, too, sweetheart. There is so much brokenness in this world and it's heartbreaking. God promises His people, who are doing wicked things, in Isaiah 30, that "in returning and rest you will be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength." Verse 18 says, "the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for Him." Linda could have experienced this quietness and strength, but she chose to run off on her "swift horse," just like the children of Israel did. Even though God offered this grace, they did not accept, but ran away from it.
I wish our world could see God's mercy and grace for ALL. Linda is not just another statistic to God. He saw her pain, her affliction, her chains. He already forgave her for all of her sins. Whether or not she believed that, I will never know. I just pray that we will seek God on how to allow His Spirit, through us, to penetrate the walls of sin, showing His love and graciousness to ALL people. Let us not just treat them as another future statistic!
Linda, one day a living breathing creation of God, the next day just another statistic among the poor. Although she may not be missed by most people, her death is very real to the poor/homeless in this area. Even if they aren't that sad that she's gone, they realize it could have easily been one of the them.
Linda was a broken woman. I could tell you the bad things that Linda did and to you it would justify my times of frustration with her. Linda was so bound up by her addiction that she did anything to serve it as her god. So many times we tried to talk to her, gave her food and prayed for her. It was like a brick wall stood between us, truth and love could not seem to penetrate. It saddened my heart every time I saw her walking. This tiny woman, sometimes wearing different colored wigs walked up and down the streets panhandling at different stoplights. She was on a mission to sacrifice whatever she needed to, even her dignity, as an act of worship to this god of hers.
On one such event it was a friend of mine who Linda waved down, asking for money. My friend said she wouldn't give her money, but could bring her some food. To this Linda replied in anger and walked off. My eight-year-old, Eliza, happened to be in the car and witnessed this event. She knew Linda because we prayed for her as a family. Eliza said, with tears in her eyes, "I wish there was no such thing as drugs!"
I wish there wasn't such a thing, too, sweetheart. There is so much brokenness in this world and it's heartbreaking. God promises His people, who are doing wicked things, in Isaiah 30, that "in returning and rest you will be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength." Verse 18 says, "the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for Him." Linda could have experienced this quietness and strength, but she chose to run off on her "swift horse," just like the children of Israel did. Even though God offered this grace, they did not accept, but ran away from it.
I wish our world could see God's mercy and grace for ALL. Linda is not just another statistic to God. He saw her pain, her affliction, her chains. He already forgave her for all of her sins. Whether or not she believed that, I will never know. I just pray that we will seek God on how to allow His Spirit, through us, to penetrate the walls of sin, showing His love and graciousness to ALL people. Let us not just treat them as another future statistic!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I'm Baaack!!
For those of you that have missed me in the blogworld, I have decided to return. I took a sabbatical, of sorts, from writing and reading blogs because I felt like I was always online. I honestly felted nudged to write many times (from God, I suppose, but I kept putting it off). I know that some of you were blessed by my honesty in my struggle with anxiety. So, for you, I want to continue blogging, as I am still walking down this path.
I left off over a year ago when I went spiraling down into a pit of anxiety. It was a scary and exhausting time. I was experiencing symptoms of about every major disease you could think of and it felt so real and devastating. Tied to it was a fear that if I died, I would be abandoning my children. Abandonment had such a strong hold on my heart. My logic, during this time, was that something terrible was wrong with me, despite what other people told me. I felt crazy and at times just wanted the Lord to take me home.
It turns out that my anxiety med. was a part of what was going on. But the biggest change came through counseling in understanding my personality, my fears and how to react to these. God felt so distant during this time, but I now know that He was right there with me the whole time.
I look back and I'm thankful for that time. I had to cling to God, even though I didn't feel Him, I HAD to believe He was there and that He loved me. It was a vulnerable time, a time of surrender and choosing to believe the truths of His Word. Psalm 18 was my favorite passage during this time, I clung to His truth that "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of the deep waters....He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." It still brings tears to my eyes to look back and remember that He DID rescue me. He DID bring me to a spacious place! All because He loves me!
Psalm 23 was so beautiful to me too. It reminded me that, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies...." What a beautiful picture of God's presence during our trials. He has a banquet prepared for us in the midst of our trials. It's our choice to believe it is there and eat from the banquet or to run in fear. For so long I ran and hid, I still do at times. But the Lord has shown me how bountiful His banquet is if I put my trust in Him during these hard times. My hope is that you will take part in this "banquet." That you will choose to believe in God's love for you and "taste and see that God is good," that it's His peace that passes all understanding.
I left off over a year ago when I went spiraling down into a pit of anxiety. It was a scary and exhausting time. I was experiencing symptoms of about every major disease you could think of and it felt so real and devastating. Tied to it was a fear that if I died, I would be abandoning my children. Abandonment had such a strong hold on my heart. My logic, during this time, was that something terrible was wrong with me, despite what other people told me. I felt crazy and at times just wanted the Lord to take me home.
It turns out that my anxiety med. was a part of what was going on. But the biggest change came through counseling in understanding my personality, my fears and how to react to these. God felt so distant during this time, but I now know that He was right there with me the whole time.
I look back and I'm thankful for that time. I had to cling to God, even though I didn't feel Him, I HAD to believe He was there and that He loved me. It was a vulnerable time, a time of surrender and choosing to believe the truths of His Word. Psalm 18 was my favorite passage during this time, I clung to His truth that "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of the deep waters....He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." It still brings tears to my eyes to look back and remember that He DID rescue me. He DID bring me to a spacious place! All because He loves me!
Psalm 23 was so beautiful to me too. It reminded me that, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies...." What a beautiful picture of God's presence during our trials. He has a banquet prepared for us in the midst of our trials. It's our choice to believe it is there and eat from the banquet or to run in fear. For so long I ran and hid, I still do at times. But the Lord has shown me how bountiful His banquet is if I put my trust in Him during these hard times. My hope is that you will take part in this "banquet." That you will choose to believe in God's love for you and "taste and see that God is good," that it's His peace that passes all understanding.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Buried Treasures
When I was pregnant with Jacob, I traveled with the GUPY team to the Dominican Republic. We spent time with some kids that were part of a camp. One morning we did a Bible Study on the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. A master gave 3 of his servants some talents (money). Each servant was given a different amount according to their ability and the master left for an indefinite time. The servant with the most talents invested his and gained double what he was given, so did the second servant. The third servant who had one talent went out into a field and burried his talent, afraid of the master. When the master returned the servants brought to him what they had done with his money. He was angry with the servant who buried his.
I was struck that day, not with guilt or fear of what happened to the lazy servant, but convicted by the Lord that I had buried my talent. At first I thought that what God was referring to was maybe a gift of intercession that He wanted me to embrace. So over the past few years I've thought about this many times. So, of course, I wanted to choose this path and made efforts to pursue uncovering this "talent." And, of course, the area of prayer has been my greatest struggle.
Over these past few years the Lord has been making a mess of my inner life. If you've read any of my recent posts, you know what I'm talking about. For my good and freedom from bondage the Lord has been breaking me, little by little, layer by layer. I've been going to counseling and have realized that I did not think God or anyone loved me, that I was not worthy of His love. He brought me through that dark tunnel to the other side of believing in His unfailing love for me. There has been so much freedom and growth through that experience. I'm such a different person for it.
Back to the talents. I still believed that now, with this new confidence in God's love for me that He would help to reveal this buried talent. Then, of course, pride got in the way. I was focusing so much on the action of intercessing and the fact that I failed at it most of the time and it was my job and..... This summer proved to me without a doubt that I am nothing without Christ. Here I was pursuing the wrong thing. Even though I didn't feel like I was really focused on it, pride was slowly creeping in. When I started to struggle with panic attacks, my efforts to pray and intercede for myself were continually thwarted. It was such an exhausting battle that I know I did not win. Christ was there for me, but I think the lesson for me was that I cannot do it on my own strength. I have to abide in Christ on a minute by minute basis. He is the intercessor, I can benefit from the blessing of listening and being open to being used by Him to intercess with Him.
In my counseling we've been uncovering who I am as a Highly Sensitive Person. Thanks to Jane, my counselor and Elaine Aaron, the psychologist and author who's researched this topic, I'm discovering who I was really created to be. I realize that over the years through pain from abandonment and fears of being alone, I've slowly buried myself in order to protect my heart. I've then trained myself to be what I thought the world wanted me to be, "a disservice to the world" as my friend Elaine Aaron calls it. I realized last night what the talent is that I've buried. ME!! As God created me to be. He created us all to be unique and to make up His body, the church. I've realized that I have learned to accept God unfailing love for me (praise Him!!), but I have not accepted myself or my temperment as a Highly Sensitive Person! That IS a disservice to the world and to God's kingdom. Not that I'm any better than the next person. This goes for all of us. God and I will continue to dig out my treasure, shovels in hand, and I will get blisters on my hands, a sunburn on my neck. I will get exhausted and thirsty, but oh the joy when we can finally open up that chest and see how God wants to use His treasure in His kingdom. I will toil for that!
I was struck that day, not with guilt or fear of what happened to the lazy servant, but convicted by the Lord that I had buried my talent. At first I thought that what God was referring to was maybe a gift of intercession that He wanted me to embrace. So over the past few years I've thought about this many times. So, of course, I wanted to choose this path and made efforts to pursue uncovering this "talent." And, of course, the area of prayer has been my greatest struggle.
Over these past few years the Lord has been making a mess of my inner life. If you've read any of my recent posts, you know what I'm talking about. For my good and freedom from bondage the Lord has been breaking me, little by little, layer by layer. I've been going to counseling and have realized that I did not think God or anyone loved me, that I was not worthy of His love. He brought me through that dark tunnel to the other side of believing in His unfailing love for me. There has been so much freedom and growth through that experience. I'm such a different person for it.
Back to the talents. I still believed that now, with this new confidence in God's love for me that He would help to reveal this buried talent. Then, of course, pride got in the way. I was focusing so much on the action of intercessing and the fact that I failed at it most of the time and it was my job and..... This summer proved to me without a doubt that I am nothing without Christ. Here I was pursuing the wrong thing. Even though I didn't feel like I was really focused on it, pride was slowly creeping in. When I started to struggle with panic attacks, my efforts to pray and intercede for myself were continually thwarted. It was such an exhausting battle that I know I did not win. Christ was there for me, but I think the lesson for me was that I cannot do it on my own strength. I have to abide in Christ on a minute by minute basis. He is the intercessor, I can benefit from the blessing of listening and being open to being used by Him to intercess with Him.
In my counseling we've been uncovering who I am as a Highly Sensitive Person. Thanks to Jane, my counselor and Elaine Aaron, the psychologist and author who's researched this topic, I'm discovering who I was really created to be. I realize that over the years through pain from abandonment and fears of being alone, I've slowly buried myself in order to protect my heart. I've then trained myself to be what I thought the world wanted me to be, "a disservice to the world" as my friend Elaine Aaron calls it. I realized last night what the talent is that I've buried. ME!! As God created me to be. He created us all to be unique and to make up His body, the church. I've realized that I have learned to accept God unfailing love for me (praise Him!!), but I have not accepted myself or my temperment as a Highly Sensitive Person! That IS a disservice to the world and to God's kingdom. Not that I'm any better than the next person. This goes for all of us. God and I will continue to dig out my treasure, shovels in hand, and I will get blisters on my hands, a sunburn on my neck. I will get exhausted and thirsty, but oh the joy when we can finally open up that chest and see how God wants to use His treasure in His kingdom. I will toil for that!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
"Take this Cup From Me"
These painful words were uttered by my sweet Lord in the Garden of Gethsemane, the night of His arrest. He knew that the time was coming for His crucifixion and was praying to the Father that this "cup" of wrath be taken from Him, not His will, but His Father's will be done. I don't believe He was afraid or even dreading the pain and suffering, but rather the separation from His Father.
I, myself, cried out these words about a month ago. I was experiencing some of the darkest hours of my life. It started out that I was just dizzy all the time. Then I started to worry about the dizziness and so began my self-diagnosis. This propelled me down through a black hole of panic attacks, one right after the other. I tried and tried to battle them through prayer and scripture. I would be all right for a few minutes, then another one would hit. My whole head would tingle, my arms and legs would go numb, my ears would start ringing. Ceiling fans and passing traffic made me dizzy, my vision was sometimes blurry and any conversation that was overwhelming (welfare, injustice, addictions) would overwhelm me and send me into a panic attack. The worse thing about it was that very few people even knew most of this struggle. I felt so much shame it was hard for me to even share it with my husband. I was so afraid of rejection and my pride was sore.
So I remained in my inner turmoil, meanwhile trying to take care of my kids. I just wanted it to go away. I cried out to God, asking Him to in a sense, "take this cup" from me. But, it wasn't time. I finally went to my Dr. and we realized that I was reacting to my anxiety medication she had put me on in May. So, she had me stop that medicine cold turkey and start a new on the next day. If anyone has been on these meds. you know that you should not stop them cold turkey! My Dr. said it was going to be a hard week, but it was necessary, so I did it. Those first few days were horrible. I couldn't be around people. I wanted to hide in a dark room and never come out. I even prayed to God asking that He please take me, now. I didn't even want to go yard saling! That's when I know there's a problem!
There is one passage that carried me through those dark hours. Psalm 18. You should read it. God led me to read this passage one afternoon in the middle of one of my attacks and I just started sobbing. He loves me so much that He will part the sky and scatter my enemies when I call for help. He will scoop me up out of the dark waters because He delights in me. He will set me in a spacious place. What is a spacious place in the middle of chaos? Sounds good, doesn't it? For me it was knowing that God loved me and delighted in me no matter what. If I was committed to a Psychiatric hospital, God would still love me and delight in me the same as He loves me when I don't struggle. But I notice Him more when I do struggle. I needed Him. I realized how much I depend on myself to be in control. I felt so out of control and helpless. That brought me to my knees. And ultimately, because God is good, it all brought glory to His name. He was the only one that could have lifted me out of that pit and praise Him, He did. It wasn't immediate, but I was able to find comfort in the truth that He loved me despite my anxiety. Remember that great Psalm 23, the part that says: "God set a table before me in the presence of my enemies. My cup runneth over...." So, even though our struggles may not be solved He sets a banqet before us, He fills us to overflowing. If we just let Him enter that place with us and are willing to wait patiently for the healing that will come from it.
I, myself, cried out these words about a month ago. I was experiencing some of the darkest hours of my life. It started out that I was just dizzy all the time. Then I started to worry about the dizziness and so began my self-diagnosis. This propelled me down through a black hole of panic attacks, one right after the other. I tried and tried to battle them through prayer and scripture. I would be all right for a few minutes, then another one would hit. My whole head would tingle, my arms and legs would go numb, my ears would start ringing. Ceiling fans and passing traffic made me dizzy, my vision was sometimes blurry and any conversation that was overwhelming (welfare, injustice, addictions) would overwhelm me and send me into a panic attack. The worse thing about it was that very few people even knew most of this struggle. I felt so much shame it was hard for me to even share it with my husband. I was so afraid of rejection and my pride was sore.
So I remained in my inner turmoil, meanwhile trying to take care of my kids. I just wanted it to go away. I cried out to God, asking Him to in a sense, "take this cup" from me. But, it wasn't time. I finally went to my Dr. and we realized that I was reacting to my anxiety medication she had put me on in May. So, she had me stop that medicine cold turkey and start a new on the next day. If anyone has been on these meds. you know that you should not stop them cold turkey! My Dr. said it was going to be a hard week, but it was necessary, so I did it. Those first few days were horrible. I couldn't be around people. I wanted to hide in a dark room and never come out. I even prayed to God asking that He please take me, now. I didn't even want to go yard saling! That's when I know there's a problem!
There is one passage that carried me through those dark hours. Psalm 18. You should read it. God led me to read this passage one afternoon in the middle of one of my attacks and I just started sobbing. He loves me so much that He will part the sky and scatter my enemies when I call for help. He will scoop me up out of the dark waters because He delights in me. He will set me in a spacious place. What is a spacious place in the middle of chaos? Sounds good, doesn't it? For me it was knowing that God loved me and delighted in me no matter what. If I was committed to a Psychiatric hospital, God would still love me and delight in me the same as He loves me when I don't struggle. But I notice Him more when I do struggle. I needed Him. I realized how much I depend on myself to be in control. I felt so out of control and helpless. That brought me to my knees. And ultimately, because God is good, it all brought glory to His name. He was the only one that could have lifted me out of that pit and praise Him, He did. It wasn't immediate, but I was able to find comfort in the truth that He loved me despite my anxiety. Remember that great Psalm 23, the part that says: "God set a table before me in the presence of my enemies. My cup runneth over...." So, even though our struggles may not be solved He sets a banqet before us, He fills us to overflowing. If we just let Him enter that place with us and are willing to wait patiently for the healing that will come from it.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Ghost on the Water
Several months ago Vicky and I were doing a study on Mark 6:45-52. After Jesus had fed the 5,000 with five loaves of bread and two fish, he sent the disciples across the lake while he went up the mountain side to pray. After a while Jesus was walking near the lake and saw the disciples straining at the oars because of the wind and waves. He started to walk out towards them. He almost passed by them when they saw him. They thought he was a ghost and cried out in fear. Then, he spoke to them, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." Jesus then climbed into the boat with them and the wind died down.
This passage has hit me over and over the past few months. I've always been a big "feeler." If I don't feel loved, then I don't believe I'm loved, or if I feel too much hurt, I numb it out with busyness. The Lord is definitely meeting me in this area. I have, until recently, struggled with believing that God is present if I don't feel His presence. Of course the Bible promises over and over that He is always present. So, the hard part comes in when you have to believe the truth over what you feel.
This story in Mark depicts my reaction many times to God's presence. When the storms of life rock my boat, I tend to buckle up in fear and determination to fix things. The whole truth is that the Lord is always present. We may not sense His presence, but He IS there! If we look for Him, He may appear as a ghost, but if we cry out to Him, He will enter into our situation. He may not always calm the storm or rid us of our problem, but He is present there with us. Sometimes He may calm the storm when we invite Him into it. Other times He may want to show us His presence by simply comforting us or helping us steer the boat through the choppy waters.
It always amazes me that the disciples had no idea who Jesus was, even after He had just fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. I often think, what was their problem that they couldn't believe the Lord could walk on the water to them, so they thought He was a ghost? But, here I am on the other side of the story. Jesus has already died to pay for my sins and has risen so that I may live in wholeness by His Spirit. Which, by the way, I have been sealed with since I accepted Christ. Meaning that the presence of God IS always near me, in fact, in me! So, who am I to criticize the disciples? I know the truth and have evidence of the miracles just as much as they did, and yet I still fail to believe. I still see my Lord as the Ghost on the water.
Thanks be to God that He is patient with us. We can ask, "Lord, help my unbelief..." and He will answer. He longs for us to call out to Him in the dark and in the light, to depend on His presence for security and guidance. He longs to ride out the storms with us and talk intimately with us on the quiet waters. Until we reach the other shore, He will be always present. Whether He's been invited into the boat or not, He's there because He loves us and He's waiting for us to call to Him. Stop trying to bail out on your own, it's extremely wearisome and lonely. Call out, even in doubt, He is listening.
This passage has hit me over and over the past few months. I've always been a big "feeler." If I don't feel loved, then I don't believe I'm loved, or if I feel too much hurt, I numb it out with busyness. The Lord is definitely meeting me in this area. I have, until recently, struggled with believing that God is present if I don't feel His presence. Of course the Bible promises over and over that He is always present. So, the hard part comes in when you have to believe the truth over what you feel.
This story in Mark depicts my reaction many times to God's presence. When the storms of life rock my boat, I tend to buckle up in fear and determination to fix things. The whole truth is that the Lord is always present. We may not sense His presence, but He IS there! If we look for Him, He may appear as a ghost, but if we cry out to Him, He will enter into our situation. He may not always calm the storm or rid us of our problem, but He is present there with us. Sometimes He may calm the storm when we invite Him into it. Other times He may want to show us His presence by simply comforting us or helping us steer the boat through the choppy waters.
It always amazes me that the disciples had no idea who Jesus was, even after He had just fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. I often think, what was their problem that they couldn't believe the Lord could walk on the water to them, so they thought He was a ghost? But, here I am on the other side of the story. Jesus has already died to pay for my sins and has risen so that I may live in wholeness by His Spirit. Which, by the way, I have been sealed with since I accepted Christ. Meaning that the presence of God IS always near me, in fact, in me! So, who am I to criticize the disciples? I know the truth and have evidence of the miracles just as much as they did, and yet I still fail to believe. I still see my Lord as the Ghost on the water.
Thanks be to God that He is patient with us. We can ask, "Lord, help my unbelief..." and He will answer. He longs for us to call out to Him in the dark and in the light, to depend on His presence for security and guidance. He longs to ride out the storms with us and talk intimately with us on the quiet waters. Until we reach the other shore, He will be always present. Whether He's been invited into the boat or not, He's there because He loves us and He's waiting for us to call to Him. Stop trying to bail out on your own, it's extremely wearisome and lonely. Call out, even in doubt, He is listening.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Hermanos Y Hermanas
We just returned from an awesome week in Mexico City. There was a team of 8 of us, which included my big 6 year-old! From the moment we stepped off the plane I felt like I was home, I often do in different cultures. There was a little bit of chaos, uncertainty where to go and what form to fill out, different smells, sounds and people. Eliza started to cry and said, "Mommy, I want to go back to America." She changed her mind soon, though.
We stayed with host families of one of the churches in Mexico City. Our family had 4 kids and their apartment was half the size of our house! I was mostly impressed with the attitude of the believers there. They were so gracious and welcoming. They are a very personable people. We learned to call one another hermana or hermano, which means sister or brother. You shake hands and lean in for a kiss on the cheek with every person that enters the room or space you are in. You hear and say things like, "Mucho gusto!" and "Dios te bendiga" or God bless you, as you are hugging.
Most of all, I loved to worship with this church. Often we would sing the same worship song, in English and Spanish. They asked Marshall and his co-leader for the trip, Kenny, to lead worship. Often when they were done, the group would shout, "Autre, autre!!" or "more, more." It was incredible to imagine God smiling down on this group of misfits, uniting together across cultural, language and economical barriers. During each service they would have a time of sharing "gratitutes" or "words of thankfulness." Every time there was mention of either us blessing them or them blessing us and many tears of emotion along with it.
We ate a lot of authentic food, walked many miles to and from places, road the crowded subways, taxis, bicycle taxis and vans (without seat belts, I might add), climbed the ancient pyramids, dressed like clowns and led 2 kids clubs and toured the national palace and old cathedral downtown.
There were no stop lights or stop signs (the only one I saw was upside-down). There were pot holes as big as our taxi on the back roads and speed bumps every couple hundred yards on the "good" roads. You can't flush your toilet paper there. The water is randomly shut off. You can't rinse off your toothbrush or mouth with the tap water or drink it! There are little tiendas or stores every few houses, so you can buy a Coke or some candy anywhere.
All of these things describe our experiences in Mexico City, but the greatest one above all was experiencing God's presence with my hermanos and hermanas in Christ. The first night there the women of the church came to pray over each of us Americans, and the same with the men. As Norma was praying over me, I started to cry. It felt so good to be prayed over, even though I had no idea what she was saying! I felt the presence of God in it. Our last service together was full of tears as we all talked about how much of an encouragement and blessing we were to one another. Now that's how God intended our churches to be, reconciled to one another across barriers and encouraging and blessing one another in the Spirit!
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