I'm Baaack!!

For those of you that have missed me in the blogworld, I have decided to return. I took a sabbatical, of sorts, from writing and reading blogs because I felt like I was always online. I honestly felted nudged to write many times (from God, I suppose, but I kept putting it off). I know that some of you were blessed by my honesty in my struggle with anxiety. So, for you, I want to continue blogging, as I am still walking down this path.

I left off over a year ago when I went spiraling down into a pit of anxiety. It was a scary and exhausting time. I was experiencing symptoms of about every major disease you could think of and it felt so real and devastating. Tied to it was a fear that if I died, I would be abandoning my children. Abandonment had such a strong hold on my heart. My logic, during this time, was that something terrible was wrong with me, despite what other people told me. I felt crazy and at times just wanted the Lord to take me home.

It turns out that my anxiety med. was a part of what was going on. But the biggest change came through counseling in understanding my personality, my fears and how to react to these. God felt so distant during this time, but I now know that He was right there with me the whole time.

I look back and I'm thankful for that time. I had to cling to God, even though I didn't feel Him, I HAD to believe He was there and that He loved me. It was a vulnerable time, a time of surrender and choosing to believe the truths of His Word. Psalm 18 was my favorite passage during this time, I clung to His truth that "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of the deep waters....He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." It still brings tears to my eyes to look back and remember that He DID rescue me. He DID bring me to a spacious place! All because He loves me!

Psalm 23 was so beautiful to me too. It reminded me that, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies...." What a beautiful picture of God's presence during our trials. He has a banquet prepared for us in the midst of our trials. It's our choice to believe it is there and eat from the banquet or to run in fear. For so long I ran and hid, I still do at times. But the Lord has shown me how bountiful His banquet is if I put my trust in Him during these hard times. My hope is that you will take part in this "banquet." That you will choose to believe in God's love for you and "taste and see that God is good," that it's His peace that passes all understanding.