Get in Shape, Girl!!!

Do you all remember that commercial for the ribbon exercise kit? Please tell me someone had that exercise video...take me back to the 80's!

So I was talking with some friends about exercising. We were basically bashing exercise because it takes so long to get into shape, like weeks. But then, unfortunately, it takes one or two times off to get out of shape. This is the main reason why I find myself loathing exercise. So I get on the bitter bus and talk about how hard it is and come up with excuses why I don't.

A light bulb came on today as I was thinking about this. I realized, huh, my relationship with God is a lot like my relationship with exercising. I need Him to keep healthy, but I don't just need Him in doses, I need to spend time with Him regularly. That's the only way I can "stay in shape" spiritually.

For so many years I've lived my spiritual life in a "if only..." syndrome. I thought, if only I could get to that certain point when I would be so spiritual I wouldn't really need God or life would just be easier. Just like my "if only I could get to that certain size, then I could stop exercising" syndrome. Well, friends, the deeper I get in my relationship with God the more I realize my need for Him. Just like, the older my body gets, the more attention I have to give to it!

I'm realizing that these two things require a lifestyle change. I don't want my motivation for exercising to be that I fit into those pre-third-baby pants. I want to take care of the vessel that God blessed me with, to honor Him. And I don't want my spiritual life to be a chore either. I long for a deeper sense of who I am as God's child, what does that mean? I want to desire spending time with Him. I think if I truly believed in how much He loves me, I would spend time with Him and wouldn't be able to get enough of Him. No one in this world loves me and understands me as much as He does, so why don't I give Him the time of day?

When I talk about "spiritual exercise" I simply mean spending time with Him. It means exercising the truths and promises of God in order to rid our minds of the lies we live under. This will leave room for relationship with Him. That is what we need and it is what He longs for, that's why He created us. We would be so much healthier if we truly grasped this concept and put it into action. Lord, please help me to change my lifestyle to include spending time taking care of my spirit, as well as my physical body. Thank you that you long to spend time with me. Help me to believe that!

Something About Mary...

I have been thinking about writing this post since last March. I was on a Women's Retreat with my church. The speaker talked about the Samaritan woman at the well who met Jesus. The speaker shared her own story which turned out to be a traumatic childhood shadowed with abuse, followed by an abusive marriage. Her testimony was incredible, as well as many others that were shared that weekend. It was so great to see the freedom and hope they've found in Christ through their broken and shaded past.

Even after hearing testimony of God's transforming these lives, I couldn't help but feel like my testimony was drab. I was born into this world with a conscience the size of Texas. I remember agonizing over things that I thought I had done wrong, when I was little. I would not have even gotten in trouble for them. I barely got any spankings. I was always the goody-goody. I was the teacher's pet and probably a dorm parents dream. I heard about God all day, every day for most of my life.

I was the same all the way through high school, even. I never partied, I've never been drunk, never used drugs, only smoked a cigarillo one time (I even felt guilty about that!). I went to a club one time--that was enough for me. I waited until I was 21 to have any alcohol and I remained a virgin until I was married. I'm not saying all of this to boast, except of course in Christ. He's the only reason that I was able to be this way because I did submit to Him early in life. I was fortunate to never have been abused or have any major traumatic experiences either.

I am in no way complaining about my good life. But I do remember early on wondering what was so special about my testimony. No one cries when I share it because it's not dramatic. I'm not dramatic...

So at this retreat I'm feeling self conscious, like I have nothing to bring to the discussion. But the Lord gently reminded me of sweet Mary, mother of Jesus. She seemed rather plain and boring. She was a virgin, as well. I imagine that she never really "rocked the boat," whatever that would mean for those times. But God chose her to carry and birth the Savior of the World, the One I believe in. She wasn't "plain old Mary" after that! God used her sweet life to show His love to this whole world. She was open to it and believed in God's purpose for her life.

When I think about her life I am so encouraged. Everyone should be. God worked through "good" Mary and He also worked through prostitutes and sleazy tax collectors. No matter what your testimony is, God has a purpose for you and can use your testimony to attest to His faithfulness and love in your life. He does not want us to be so ashamed of our past that we don't want to share our testimony, but He also doesn't want us to be embarrassed by our lack of story. We all have a story and His fingerprints are all over it. And...our testimony is on-going, it didn't end when we received Christ into our lives, it started there.

Am I the Biggest Loser?

Okay, so I just had to remind myself that I was just watching this show...on TV. I really don't even know these people, so I have no reason for being mad at Vicky for voting off Amy. I'm mainly mad at Vicky because she's a bully. She voted Amy off just for revenge. She's been mean to the other team and mean to Amy for voting her husband off a couple of weeks ago. I mean, I understand her being mad, but, it's a game, it was the smartest move Amy made. Amy should have voted Vicky off last week when she had the chance. What was she thinking? She was trying to patch things up, but she should of known she was never "safe" with Vicky.

Okay, get over it, Diane. It's just a T.V. show. I really hope Vicky doesn't make it to the finale, I may not be able to watch. Tonight I couldn't help but sob at Amy's homecoming. She's lost over 60 pounds and was able to shop in her favorite boutique in her hometown. Then she went to meet her family and friends. Her dad literally sobbed for joy when he was hugging her. Throughout the show he's sent video messages and each time he's been so supportive and in love with his wife and daughter who were both on the ranch together. Winner dad!! Every time he talks on the show, I sob. So, I love this show because it changes people's lives. Bye, bye Vicky...I hope.

This morning I blew it....again!

This morning started out perfect. The 6:30 phone call said that schools were delayed for 2 hours because of the light dusting of snow. It was so pretty outside, Marshall made cinnamon rolls, we played outside and drank hot cocoa with pink marshmallows. But then it was time to go to school. I had given the 20 minute warning (to whom, I have no idea). What kids under five have a clue how long 20 minutes is? I don't even have a clue.

Well, I'm getting things done, the kids are playing and then I notice, it's time, right now, to start getting out the door! Of course Eliza didn't have shoes on, then she couldn't find her other shoe or the purple socks she wanted to wear. I still was in my PJs and no bra. Then Eliza's shoes felt uncomfortable, but instead of being compassionate and helping her with that I made the comment that she had plenty of nice shoes in the closet that she never wears and so she can put one of those on, "I don't care!!!" Of course she lost it, back when she couldn't find her other shoe. The whole time I'm telling her to stop, she's getting herself all upset for nothing.
(oops)

We finally get to the door and she says she's hungry. I tell her she should have told me this 20 minutes ago. Again,... really? Should I expect a five year old to be able to do this? Meanwhile Jacob is out in the yard stuck in the fence. I'm so angry with Eliza that I yell at her to, "Go to the car, I'll get you something to eat, Arghhh, (slamming of doors and stomping of feet), what is your problem?!!!" I know you all are thinking, "what is YOUR problem?" We finally make it to the car and we're not even late, I'm just impatient and unloving at this point, blaming her for making us late when she can't fit her big backpack through the seats to sit in the back. She and Psalter are fighting over who's going to sit in the back. Meanwhile Jacob is chasing blowing leaves down the sidewalk.

Needless to say, I recognized I was having a meltdown. I had just given up back when Eliza couldn't find her other shoe. I had entered into the chaos, so focused on myself that I pushed disappointment and guilt onto my highly sensitive child. I hated myself as I was saying and thinking these things. I knew I'd have to stash away for another future counseling appointment for my sweet, eager-to-please little five-year-old. What a psycho mom I was. Happy and fun with the hot cocoa and pink marshmallows, then I turned into a monster.

I did, thank goodness, remember God's grace. I asked my children for forgiveness and then prayed out loud asking God for His forgiveness. It was a very quiet car at that moment. As Eliza left the car, I hugged her saying, "mommy is not perfect, I really messed up this morning yelling at you and I'm so sorry, will you forgive me?" My sweet child said the most precious 4 words, "I forgive you, Mommy." I'm so glad that the Lord can use our junk to show us and our kids how deep His love and grace goes. I know that I'll mess up again, but God's grace is sufficient enough to cover that too, and He'll use it for good somehow!

My Little Delight....

He's about 2+ feet tall, 30 pounds and walks like a penguin. He thrives on bugging his sisters, especially Psalter. He gets a gleam in his eye as he watches her building a tower or doing a puzzle. Yes, he destroys them unless I'm there to intervene. If I tell him, "no!!" his lower lip pouts and he says, "oh."

He also loves to pull full glasses of juice off of the kitchen table and pour them on the floor saying, "uh-oh, wook, mommy, wet!" One day he dumped a tupperware full of fuse beads all over the kitchen floor, three different times. They haven't come out since then!

He loves to sample lots of different textures and liquids. The other day I found him with a glue stick in his mouth. When asked if he ate it or not he said, "Yahsh. Mmm nose." Sure enough he was sticky all over. He thinks he has a wax deficiency because he eats crayons and candles all the time. He also used to think markers were for eating. I found many with the tops bitten off.

His favorite favorite foods are "nunnets, nonuts and cookies" which are nuggets, donuts and oreos,as if you couldn't tell by his Michelin Man body-type. He loves "kucks, bus, car-cars, bike, and nung-nung-nung-nung-nungs" (trucks, cars, bikes, bulldozers, and motorcycles). Cows are "boos", sheep are "baas", lambs are "may-may", lions are "RRRRR" and the moon is "moont", spoon is "poont" airplane is "bear-pane" Cinderella is "lalella".

If you can't tell, I'm smitten with my sweet son. He loves to give hugs and kisses, even to perfect strangers. Though I may have to sweep my floor 3 times a day because of him and watch him every second to make sure he's not climbing on the table or eating glue, he's such a joy.

When I sing and put him to bed I secretly hope that he would stay like this forever. The little dimple in his chin, the crater in his cheek and the gleam in his eye make me smile all day. I wish the that I could bottle up and sell his passion and enthusiasm over simple every day things like the "moont". Sweet Jacob, I'm so happy that you are my son!

Thank you for changing my name!

I'm not referring to my most common name, "mama" or "mommy," which I hear hundreds of times a day. I'm referring to the new name that I believe God gave me a year ago and has been working it out in me since then.

Back in the Old Testament days names were considered someone's identity. For example, Jacob, the twin of Esau was born to Isaac and Rachel grabbing on to his brother's foot. His name actually means, "grabber." As he grew up he was rather deceitful by stealing his older brother's birth rite and blessing. But God had a special plan for Jacob. He actually wrestled with Jacob one night. Jacob put up a pretty good fight too. That's when God gave him the name, Israel, which means "He wrestled with God and overcame." So his name was no longer "grabber" or "deceiver," but one of a calling. He had a new identity. Ten of his sons and two of his grandsons later made up the twelve tribes of Israel. Wow!! The fact that God would use a "deceiver" to father this great nation is a comfort indeed. Also, the fact that God still used Jacob even after he wrestled with God amazes me. You mean we're allowed to do that?

This has been such a powerful story for Marshall and I. That's why we named our son Jacob. It makes God seem more personal and not just the "Big Man Upstairs" that only uses perfect people to do His will. It's exactly the opposite. He uses broken, messed up people like us who are willing to be broken and give up control, so that He may live out His will through us. I don't know about you, but that sounds like good news to me.

We all have names that have been attached to us. Maybe it's "loser" or "worthless," "fat," "ugly," whatever they are Satan uses them to make us believe that we are those things. I have lived with many names. The one that has bridged most of them and has been Satan's biggest target is fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of disappointing, fear of ..... You name it, I had it. So, fear was the identity I operated under. Many circumstances would confirm that this was indeed my identity. Whether it was that I was rejected by a friend or I failed at something, I lived under it.

After going through some counseling last year, I started to work out some of these issues in different forms. Around that same time Marshall and I attended an Urban Project conference for IV staff. We had an incredible speaker during that week. One night during a service she had us cup our hands in front of us with the different things that we hold onto. God pierced my heart through her as she identified fear as one of those things. I knew that was for me. It was the heavy blanket that has suffocated me through life. It was the constant clashing cymbals inside my head and heart. After we identified them, then we released those things in order to take on the truth that God was calling us to.

That night I felt like an operation took place between me and the Lord. I realized that I had been living my life based on fear. I wanted a change, so I took the plunge and wrestled with God, just like Jacob did. Exhausted and humbled, I gave Him my fear and He gave me the new name, "Fearless!" I sound like a warrior princess, but in all honesty, I feel like one too.

By letting go of that stronghold of fear and choosing to believe God's truth about me, I have been able to experience His love for me! This has changed my life. I walk much lighter, breathe much easier and I can actually hear the quiet. The scripture that says, "My yoke is easy, my burden is light," can I just say an "Amen!!!" I finally understand what that means. There is so much freedom when we take on the yoke of Christ. It feels so light to carry God's "burden" of truth, grace, forgiveness, love, and peace. Now this didn't just happen over night. In fact that night I was overwhelmed with fear about something and had to believe in the truth that God has changed my name. Believing this continually is what has brought the freedom. That's what walking in truth is all about.

Check in another time to hear more about the warrior princess, "Fearless!"

Something about Mary...

Today I was more of a Mary than a Martha. Now, that's unusual because normally I'm a Martha full force. When I say this, I'm referring to the sisters that are mentioned in the Gospels. Martha is the one who is rushing about cooking and cleaning upon Jesus' arrival and Mary is just sitting at His feet listening to Him and asking questions. Martha gets frustrated with Mary and asks Jesus to tell Mary to help her. Jesus responds, "What Mary has chosen is better."

So, today, for part of it, I have chosen to sit at His feet. There's even a pink ring around my toilet, coffee stains on the bathroom sink, laundry on the couch, dirty dishes in the sink and toys laying around. Those who know me well know that those are hard things for me to leave undone! But I did, to play games with the girls, to tutor Brianna, to spend time at my Lord's feet and to blog.

And surprise, surprise, the Lord met me during my time of quiet. I had to quiet my mind from obsessing over the laundry basket sitting next to me and the pink toilet in the next room, but I asked the Lord to bless the time and my effort. It's amazing what you can hear when you sit down to listen. I heard truth about His extravagant love for me. I heard Him say He will never let go through the calm and through the storm. I even learned some incredible truths from the book of Leviticus.

So, I guess Mary did chose right. Oh Lord, help me to be more like Mary in this Martha world!