Buried Treasures

When I was pregnant with Jacob, I traveled with the GUPY team to the Dominican Republic. We spent time with some kids that were part of a camp. One morning we did a Bible Study on the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. A master gave 3 of his servants some talents (money). Each servant was given a different amount according to their ability and the master left for an indefinite time. The servant with the most talents invested his and gained double what he was given, so did the second servant. The third servant who had one talent went out into a field and burried his talent, afraid of the master. When the master returned the servants brought to him what they had done with his money. He was angry with the servant who buried his.

I was struck that day, not with guilt or fear of what happened to the lazy servant, but convicted by the Lord that I had buried my talent. At first I thought that what God was referring to was maybe a gift of intercession that He wanted me to embrace. So over the past few years I've thought about this many times. So, of course, I wanted to choose this path and made efforts to pursue uncovering this "talent." And, of course, the area of prayer has been my greatest struggle.

Over these past few years the Lord has been making a mess of my inner life. If you've read any of my recent posts, you know what I'm talking about. For my good and freedom from bondage the Lord has been breaking me, little by little, layer by layer. I've been going to counseling and have realized that I did not think God or anyone loved me, that I was not worthy of His love. He brought me through that dark tunnel to the other side of believing in His unfailing love for me. There has been so much freedom and growth through that experience. I'm such a different person for it.

Back to the talents. I still believed that now, with this new confidence in God's love for me that He would help to reveal this buried talent. Then, of course, pride got in the way. I was focusing so much on the action of intercessing and the fact that I failed at it most of the time and it was my job and..... This summer proved to me without a doubt that I am nothing without Christ. Here I was pursuing the wrong thing. Even though I didn't feel like I was really focused on it, pride was slowly creeping in. When I started to struggle with panic attacks, my efforts to pray and intercede for myself were continually thwarted. It was such an exhausting battle that I know I did not win. Christ was there for me, but I think the lesson for me was that I cannot do it on my own strength. I have to abide in Christ on a minute by minute basis. He is the intercessor, I can benefit from the blessing of listening and being open to being used by Him to intercess with Him.

In my counseling we've been uncovering who I am as a Highly Sensitive Person. Thanks to Jane, my counselor and Elaine Aaron, the psychologist and author who's researched this topic, I'm discovering who I was really created to be. I realize that over the years through pain from abandonment and fears of being alone, I've slowly buried myself in order to protect my heart. I've then trained myself to be what I thought the world wanted me to be, "a disservice to the world" as my friend Elaine Aaron calls it. I realized last night what the talent is that I've buried. ME!! As God created me to be. He created us all to be unique and to make up His body, the church. I've realized that I have learned to accept God unfailing love for me (praise Him!!), but I have not accepted myself or my temperment as a Highly Sensitive Person! That IS a disservice to the world and to God's kingdom. Not that I'm any better than the next person. This goes for all of us. God and I will continue to dig out my treasure, shovels in hand, and I will get blisters on my hands, a sunburn on my neck. I will get exhausted and thirsty, but oh the joy when we can finally open up that chest and see how God wants to use His treasure in His kingdom. I will toil for that!